Just Ask Me

Things I say that bug my wife:

“This meal is a 10!” 

I say this about every meal my wife cooks, to the point where she no longer takes it as a compliment.  I use this line for two reasons:  It’s absolutely appropriate, since my wife is a great cook who never prepares a bad meal; and because if I said the meal only ranked a 9 she’d raise all kinds of questions about what’s wrong with it, and then never make it again.

“Did you read the directions?” or, alternatively, “Try reading the directions.”

Is this a woman thing or what?  Similar to guys not wanting to ask for directions, my wife and other women I know seem to have a hard time reading directions to find out how something works – especially if that something is technical in nature.  Take, for instance, Microsoft Word.  Typically, her response after I ask “Did you read the directions?” is one of disdain, as if to say that I should know exactly what’s wrong and fix it posthaste even when the working problem statement is something general like “My document isn’t printing”.

“Could you repeat that?”

My wife would call this Selective Hearing, my inability (or unwillingness) to hear what she has to say.  However, I have this problem with everyone:  I cannot discern a solitary voice in the presence of noise.  By now my wife should know that if she wants me to understand what she is saying in a sound-cluttered environment, she needs to turn toward me so that I can read her lips while she is speaking (since my asking her to raise her voice and enunciate clearly aggravates her even more).  Usually, after asking her for the 3rd time she simply says:  “Never mind”.

“Could you speak louder please?”

See last paragraph.

“No.”

This is in response to the question “Did you get the mail?” or “Did you take out the garbage?” or any number of “Did you” questions.  What she really means to ask is Would you get the mail?” (and so on) but that’s not what she asked, so I answer the question that she asked me, which pisses her off because it’s not what she wanted to hear.

This is another aspect of women that I just don’t get at all.  My wife cannot ask me directly to do something.  Instead she asks a question about whether or not I have already accomplished something, and if not, then I am to assume that this something needs accomplishment immediately.  I will gladly do just about anything my wife asks of me.  She need only ask.


“Is there any more wood outside?”

Translates to “Would you bring some wood in from the outside?”

“There are dishes in the sink.”

Translates to “Please do the dishes.”

“I’m cold”

Translates to “Please get me a sweater” or maybe “Please turn up the heat” or maybe “Come snuggle with me”.

I am never sure what my wife really wants because she is unable to tell me directly.  I am forced to interpret her real meaning from her related but hardly conclusive statements.

Please, darling, just ask me what you want me to do.  I’ll gladly do it.

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